JeremyOswald.com

Above: Craig Bido catches some shuteye

A couple of weeks ago, Craig Bido (Bee-doe) attended a wedding of someone who was from Oil City, Pennsylvania.  Bido and I crossed paths around 2:30 a.m. in the stairwell of the Arlington Hotel in Oil City, where the wedding reception was held.

You see, my family gathers every few years at a “castle,” which is really some old mansion now run by Christian Retreat Ministries or something.  The Castle is in the hills above Oil City, Pennsylvania, where my dad grew up.  Last time I was in Oil City was more than 10 years ago.  I remember it well since I was in college and my brothers and I were forced to stay in a room with uncomfortable bunk beds and no air conditioning.  When my father asked if we’d like to head to the family reunion this year, we said yes, but we’d definitely like to stay in a the hotel in Oil City, the Arlington Hotel.

The Arlington was originally a Holiday Inn.  When my father was growing up, Oil City was a boomin’ town with a number of oil companies, including Quaker State and Pennzoil, all claiming Oil City as their headquarters.  After most of the oil was pumped from the Earth there, the companies moved to Texas.  Subsequently, the town diminished in size by more than half of the 25,000 person population into its current size of about 11,000 people.  I suppose the Holiday Inn couldn’t support a hotel in a depressed town that size with no real major highway running anywhere close, so the Arlington owners took it over.

I was happy to stay at the Arlington, and on the Saturday night of the reunion, my parents, Josh, Deidra and I went back to Kate’s Bar at the Arlington.  Kate’s was fantastic, just what a small town Midwest bar should be;  pool tables, darts, more AC/DC than I knew existed, NASCAR promotions everywhere, and $6 Bud Light Pitchers.  We made ourselves at home at Kate’s and in doing so, doubled the bar’s clientele.  As time passed and more people started funneling into the bar, Josh made the very astute observation that there were a lot of really hot girls in the hotel, and not just “hot for Oil City.”  We were eventually able to ascertain that there was a wedding reception at the hotel for someone who grew up in Oil City but now no longer lives there, and the wedding was the reason for the staggering surge in hot drunk girls in Oil City.

Once Kate’s Bar became sufficiently crowded with enough drunk souls to make the place feel like a party, Josh, Deidra and I decided to drink until closing time.  We then left Kate’s and took the elevator to our floor.  The Arlington owners had clearly not updated the Elevator since the black gold rush, and I decided to take a picture of the outdated elevator.

While the above picture admittedly sucks, it proves that “everything happens for a reason.”  Because I took this picture, I didn’t get off on my floor and took the elevator to the wrong floor.  And because I got off on the wrong floor, I decided to take the stairs down one level, being that even my semi-inebriated legs could move significantly faster than the outdated elevator.  And because I took the stairs, I ran across Bido, a groomsman who apparently lost his way back to his room and decided that the stairwell of the Arlington was as good a place as any to get some shuteye.

Bido probably thought the tile floor and concrete wall were nice and cool

I didn’t try to talk to the guy, and instead snapped a couple of pictures.  Feeling Bido’s pain, I decided someone should get him back to his room.  I decided I’d find someone from the wedding party who knew the groomsman, and soon came upon two girls crying in their bridesmaid dresses, having one of those “We’re-drunk-at-a-wedding-living-our-most-precious-moments-I-love-you-we’ll-be-friends-forever” heart to hearts.  I happily interrupted them and proudly showed them the pictures I had taken and asked if they knew the guy in the photos.  They identified him as Criag Bido, so I escorted them to Craig Bido and we woke him from his alcohol induced slumber.  The girls helped him back to his room and I went to bed, but not before recalling my adventure to Josh and Deidra.  And finishing a Coors Light given to me by a friendly drunk wedding attendee who had just hit McDonald’s and an ice chest.

Villa Italia has whatever you’re looking for…

The next day, I saw the girls at Villa Italia, one of only a couple restaurants in town.  The girls thanked me for alerting them to Bido’s situation, noting that Bido’s fiancée was super pissed off when they took him back to his room.  I responded that she would’ve been much more agitated had the guy woken up in the stairwell and stumbled in sometime the next morning.  Then I showed the pictures of Bido to the girls and their parents and we all had a great laugh at Bido’s expense.

I just can’t have nice things…

Oswald…heading to the bodyshop, and not the good kind.

Jeez, it’s a little dusty in here, isn’t it? Seeing as how I haven’t posted anything since early March, I thought I should get something up here, before I’m no longer the top Google search result for “Jeremy Oswald”.

While I was ignoring this Website, my college buddy Derek “tagged” me in the Wife Swap post comments. Even though I don’t typically like this kind of stuff, I don’t want Derek to think I’m ignoring him. I’m not ignoring you Derek. In fact, here’s a picture of our badass college selves:

Derek is on the left right

In any case, I completely ignored every single one of these stupid survey things that I received on email over the years, when email was all the rage. But here are the questions I’m supposed to answer, and my responses:

1. What was I doing 10 years ago?
Josh and I had just moved back to Fresno from Indiana in January. Short moved to Fresno too, I think 10 years ago this month, and we were looking for a house to rent. We eventually found one and were kicked out about three months later.

Short, Josh and I were all working for my dad at Avante Health, although it was called Genesis Healthcare Management at that time. We’d play on our dial up Internet connections, and Short would refer to his college text books to figure out what he was supposed to be doing to market the company.

2. Five things on my to do list today?
Not necessarily in this order:

1. Wake up
2. Shower
3. Go to the gym
4. Make dinner
5. Work

3. Five or so places I have traveled?

1. Most recently NYC. I’ll post some pictures and a little something about that trip once I get this “tagged” thing behind me. Look for something new to be posted around December.
2. Costa Rica
3. Various countries in Europe
4. Various states
5. The Fresno Fulton Mall – Actually, this was the most recent, as I walked around looking for something to eat this afternoon. It was kind of like a foreign country. I was submersed in a Spanish culture and couldn’t communicate effectively. I finally settled on Guadalajara Taqueria (1139 Fulton Mall). If you ever travel to the Fulton Mall, I’d recommend it.

4. Five snacks/treats I enjoy
I’m a health nut:

1. Original Goldfish
2. Buffalo wings
3. Salt & Vinegar chips
4. Hot n Spicy Beef Jerky (ideally not packaged, you pull a big slab from a jar)
5. Cheetos

5. What would I do if I were a billionaire?
I can’t count that high. Besides, I’m working on the whole “hundredaire” thing first. If I could count that high, I’d buy a few places to live and rotate through them throughout the year, eating well and trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up. Maybe work on jeremyoswald.com full time?

6. Five bad habits.

1. Procrastinate
2. Always late
3. Over commit
4. Chew on my tongue
5. Crack my knuckles in public

7. Places I have lived.

• Olney, MD
• Colombia, MD
• Hughesville, PA
• Fresno, CA
• Goshen, IN
• Clovis, CA

8. Jobs I’ve had (kind of in order)

• Doorhanger – Domino’s Pizza
• Doorhanger – Popolo’s Pizza (they poached me, I was that good)
• Dishwasher – Popolo’s Pizza (big promotion)
• Janitor – Oswald Associates (I cleaned the office for a bit and then left for college. Josh took over, but unfortunately for him, an ass doctor of some kind moved in next door and shared the bathroom. The bathroom that my brother had to clean everyday.)
• Cook – Camp Keola
• Sales Associate – Eddie Bauer

9. People I think should answer these questions (you’ve been tagged!)
Ava Shaoshen Lin

Ever wonder how they find people to be on shows like Wife Swap? I have, but only a little bit. I’ve really only seen the show a couple of times. The very first time I ever watched the show I recorded it on my dvr because some boxer chick from Fresno was on. I’m unsure as to why I deemed Wife Swap worth 6% of my dvr capacity, I’m pretty sure it was summer. In any case, yesterday my dad received an email from a casting producer for the show. Apparently the brain trust behind the show is looking for Mennonite families that believe in simple living. Below is the email, my comments in bold.

Hello,

My name is Gaby Wilson. I’m a Casting Producer for ABC’s Primetime show, “Wife Swap.” I hope you don’t mind me contacting you, but we’re currently into our fourth season at the moment and we’re looking for one-of-a-kind families with plenty of personality. Specifically, we’re looking for Mennonite families that believe in the simple life. If you’ve always thought your family was meant for TV, I want to hear from you! In addition, please feel free to forward this email on to any families you think would be interested in taking part in this once-in-a-lifetime experience.

If she’s looking for Mennonite families that believe in simple living, I’m doubting they want to be on television. On the other hand, I must say, my old roommate from college would be a great candidate for this. He would be funny to watch, living in southern Indiana, saving his own crap to make compost and learning how to use his first cell phone.

In case you are unfamiliar with the show, the premise of Wife Swap is to take two different families and have the moms switch places to experience how another family lives. Half of the week, mom lives the life of the family she is staying with. Then she introduces a “rule change” where she implements rules and activities that are important to her family. It’s a positive experience for people to not only learn but teach about other families and other ways of life. Wife Swap airs on Disney owned ABC television on Wednesdays at 8 pm- the family hour!

Wow! So much positivity! This sounds like a truly enriching experience for any family! Especially simple Mennonite folk. My family would be perfect for this experience!

Requirements: Each family must consist of two parents and at least one child between 7 and 17 and should reside in the continental U.S. (There may be other children living in the home who are older or younger than the required age…as long as one child is in the required age range.)

Damn you Gaby Wilson! Sadly, the Oswald family is ineligible as we don’t have a child under 17 living with my parents. A child under 30? Yes. 17? Not in years.

Participating in the show is a very unique experience that can be life changing for everyone. In addition, each family that tapes an episode of Wife Swap receives $20,000 as compensation for their time. Anyone who refers a family that appears on our program receives $1000 as a ‘thank you’ from us.

Wow, now I know how they get some of those families to take part in this social experiment. $20,000 can go a long way, especially for some of the families I’ve seen on there (when I was flipping channels). Like the family where the mom and dad were members of a “punk rock” band that still believe that they’re destined for superstardom. They were paired with a conservative ex-Mennonite chimney sweep’s family where the kids are home schooled, the outside world is shunned and the Bible is infallible. My Sunday school teachings are failing me right now, where did the Bible talk about going on a reality show for money?

I appreciate you taking the time to read this email and I hope to hear from you soon. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me! If you’re interested in learning more, please include your contact information.

Thank you for your time,

–
Gaby Wilson
Casting Producer
Wife Swap

So if anyone wants to go on Wife Swap, please tell them I referred you . This simple-living Mennonite boy could use the $1,000.

Today I was fortunate enough to enjoy lunch at a Taco Bell. The drive-thru staff was less than stellar as I was shorted one taco supreme, and the other tacos supreme that I ordered came sans tomato. Whatever, it was still great food. I thought this was odd though:

Is a Taco Bell menu for Lent really going to generate that much business? If Taco Bell really wants to go after the church going crowd, I would suggest a throwback to the late 80’s/early 90’s and re-establish 39 cent tacos on Sundays. Make Taco Bell a post-church destination. But Taco Bell never asks me.

If God is truly inside each one of us I sure hope he likes Taco Bell!

So Napa was a great time. We stayed at the Best Western “Inn by the Vines.” When my father inquired as to where the vines are, they directed him to the fence that separated the hotel from a Shell station. Here are the vines:

Here are vines from an actual vineyard at Goosecross Winery:

Here are some Cabernet Sauvignon vines from Goosecross. That’s what the “CS” stands for. I don’t know what the other letters and numbers mean.

We hit a lot of great wineries, and as I predicted, I was sucky at taking pictures, even with my new camera. My brother is a pretty talented photographer though. This is one of my favorites of his self-portraits:

While in Napa we hit some of our usual favorites including Cakebread, ZD and Goosecross. We also hit a couple of new wineries, my favorite of the trip being Miner Family Vineyards. Each of their wines was fantastic and I was surprised to find out that the grapes in their Viognier came from Simpson Vineyards in Madera. When the tasting room host told us that the grapes for the Viognier came from “the Valley” I was sure that he meant one of the valleys in wine country, not the Central Valley. Incidentally, the wine pourer had family in Fresno and my mother knew them. Wine is such a social lubricant.

When I woke up on Sunday, I was convinced that I’d damaged my kidneys, since my lower back hurt. I’m not sure if that’s where my kidneys are located, but it was all I could think of. The entire drive back to Fresno, that evening and the next morning my lower back hurt. Monday morning I worked at my desk for a couple of hours until I had a shooting pain in my lower back. I tried to move to the couch but my body vetoed that decision and I hit the ground, unable to get up. I spent about a half an hour on the ground here:

Visions of EMTs breaking down my door and putting me on a stretcher entered my mind and I quickly started making some phone calls. My father came and picked me up and took me to the doctor, who prescribed me some serious painkillers and muscle relaxants, so I spent the last three days on my couch, in and out of sleep surrounded by my computer, my phones and a lot of water and meds.

Yesterday I visited the chiropractor. Today I feel so much better, with the exception of the fact that now that I’m no longer heavily medicated I must come to terms with the fact that I’m old enough to have my back go out. Brutal.

Twice in two days on Freeway 41 I get to watch someone flash their lights to pass. Is this a new thing that no one made me aware of, that it’s now a cool thing to do? After picking up my brother and Deidra, who had both had some drinks, I drove us to Napa for the weekend. I missed every turn I needed to make, with little to no help navigating. Seriously. After taking the longest route possible through the pouring rain and consuming 4 pounds of Jack in the Box, we finally arrived in Napa.

As usual, my father has a full day of wine tasting scheduled for tomorrow, beginning at 9 a.m. I just got a new camera from woot.com today to document our trip. I’m pretty sucky at remembering to take pictures so we’ll see how many we end up with. Here’s one of the first pictures I took with my new Samsung. Don’t ask me what model it is…

Listening to my mom ask my brother that if he likes Obama so much, why doesn’t he marry him?

Hey there Mr. “IFLYAMP”.  You were obviously eager this evening to get out onto Freeway 41 and open up your blue X-Terra and see what she could do, but for future reference, common courtesy ideals are different on the Fresno freeway system versus the German freeway system.  Flashing your brights repeatedly to tell other cars that you’d like to pass makes you a jackass, especially when there are several cars in front of you.  Next time you’re having problems taming the sheer power of a glorified Sentra, try passing on the right or tailgating.  X-Earth?  That doesn’t even make any sense.

This doesn’t make me very happy. The new Knight Rider TV show is going to feature a Mustang. I bet my brother Josh isn’t real fond of the idea either. Here he is, in the Knight Industries Two Thousand.

I personally think that they should stick with the original Firebird/TransAm. Or an even better idea is tracking down my first car, a 1984 Camaro Z28. It kicked serious ass. So did I.

I’m pleased as punch to announce that I have perfected the tortilla pizza. If you want excellent thin-crust pizza anytime, without paying high prices or waiting on take out, follow my recipe and make your stomach very happy. To make Jeremy’s Perfect Tortilla Pizza, you’ll need the following:

Tortilla
Olive Oil
Pizza Sauce (I use Ragu)
Pepperoni
Grated Mozzarella Cheese
Garlic Powder
Red Pepper Flakes
Pizza Baking Stone (This is very important)

You should seriously be excited. I’m about to make your life quite a bit better. Follow these steps and in no time, you’ll have your very own Jeremy’s Perfect Tortilla Pizza:

1. Place baking stone in oven and preheat oven to 475 degrees
2. Brush tortilla with Extra Virgin Olive Oil
   
3. Spread desired amount of pizza sauce evenly across tortilla (I use a small amount)
   
4. Apply pepperonis
   
5. Distribute mozzarella cheese across tortilla pizza evenly
   
6. Sprinkle healthy amount of garlic powder over tortilla pizza
7. Sprinkle healthy amount of red pepper flakes over tortilla pizza
8. Place tortilla pizza on baking stone in oven for 8 minutes
   

When you’re done, your tortilla pizza should be nicely cooked.

I cut it twice in each direction to make little pizza bites.

Obviously, you can apply whatever ingredients you like. Now go make a great Jeremy’s Perfect Tortilla Pizza!